I know I’ve been quiet this past week or so, and I’m afraid the next week or so won’t be any different. I leave tonight for my trip to Massachusetts, my first since Tony died. I have decided that if I don’t go to the cemetery, I will regret it. So I’ll go. I’ll see his name carved into stone, and I’ll stand there and know that what’s left of his physical body is in the earth. Of the earth.
It’s not just a fear of regret that makes me go. I have to lean into that too. Lean into the grief. It’s going to be awful, I’m sure.
What I’m trying to focus on now, as I do my last minute packing, are the parts I look forward to. Seeing my best friends, seeing my surrogate mom and dad, seeing my relatives. Finally getting to look my mother-in-law in the eyes and tell her how very sorry I am, how much I wish things could be different. And doing some acts of kindness in Boston, the city where Tony and I met, and a city that could use some extra kindness right now. I may blog a bit from there, but chances are I will be too busy talking and visiting and just being. I am borrowing my sister’s camera, though, so when I get back… there will be pictures.