Some Days It Feels Brand New

Today is a hard day.  I had a moment in the shower, this morning, when I thought “Tony killed himself” and it was like I was hearing it for the first time.  As a result, I feel shaky and sad and angry and want nothing more than to just crawl into bed and put my head under the covers and hide.  Grief is like that.  It blindsides you.  You think you’ve reached a certain place – maybe not acceptance, not yet – but a place where you can deal with what’s happened.  Then a day like today comes along and shows me how very far I still have to go.  Acceptance is a distant country.  Impossible to chart the distance from where I am to where it is; impossible to know how or when or even IF I will get there.  Everything, today, feels impossible.  I am here, where I am.  I am upright, and breathing.  Maybe that’s all I can really ask of myself.   

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16 thoughts on “Some Days It Feels Brand New

  1. Aimee, You are right . That is enough to ask of yourself ~ Breath in, breath out until it is automatic again ~ One foot in front of the other ~ Go through the motions so that when life is “normal” again, you will be ready. Don’t ever lose sight of the fact that you are deeply loved and cherished. Aunt Mimi xo

    • Loretta, meditation is one of the things that’s been the hardest for me — I can’t quiet my mind! — but I’m working on it and even just a little bit of mindful breathing does help me, especially when I’m trying to sleep. Thanks for reading.

  2. I just found this blog, and I wanted to thank you for writing it. This past October my boyfriend of three years killed himself after I broke up with him. He had bipolar depression. I’ve been reading some of your posts and I can relate SO MUCH to almost everything you’ve been writing about. I know it is really scary to talk about a loved one’s suicide (especially when you feel implicated in it) and it is so inspiring to see you discuss your grief so candidly.

    I, too, have moments where I think of Andy, realize he’s gone (that he decided to do this), and it’s like I’m back to that first day. I think in that way grief is really circular. Some days I feel the distance, he feels so far away, and his death seems such a part of my life now–and other days I feel like I’m still trapped in that first week.

    • Oh, Kaye, I’m so sorry that you lost your boyfriend that way. It is scary to talk about, and write about. I decided that I was going to write about it because I spent so many years not talking about what was really going on in my life, what I was really dealing with. It’s painful and scary and sometimes awful to write about, but healing too. Thank you so much for reading, and for sharing a little of your story with me.

  3. Aimee, I looked for you blog to see how you are doing and I am not surprised that the grief you experience seems to ebb and flow and some days it overtakes you like waves crashing around you. I liked what you said about you spent so many years not sharing how you REALLY feel that you decided to and I think we all benefit from your openness and ability to express your feelings during such a trying time. I am thinking of you and wishing for you peace of mind.

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