San Diego: There and Back Again

Beautiful La Jolla Cove

Beautiful La Jolla Cove

As most of you reading know, I spent this past week in San Diego.  It was my first trip back there since Tony died, and I was so apprehensive about what it would be like.  Parts were extremely difficult – the empty chairs that I wrote about earlier this week.  It was hard, too, seeing my co-workers for the first time in months.  Three of those co-workers were there for me in a concrete way the day Tony died; but all of them have accommodated me as I’ve worked remotely.  It felt good to be there.

My dad ended up driving out from Phoenix to meet me there.  His presence meant that I wasn’t sitting in a hotel room alone.  It meant that I had someone to walk into the office with me that first morning, to make sure I was okay and that there was somebody there in case I needed to cry.  I got a little teary.  It would have been infinitely worse to walk in there alone.  I can never thank him enough for that.

The night I went out with the women from my Spanish group, we went to a restaurant right on the water, one I’d never been to.  It was in La Jolla Cove, which is where Tony and I had brunch on our wedding day.  I had some misgivings about going anywhere near there, but then decided that I really wanted to.  It’s always been one of my favorite places in San Diego.  The waves are spectacular, there are colonies of seals and pelicans and seagulls there, and we’d be there to see the sunset.  I had a little pang when my friend Lydia first turned her car into the area, but it was a bittersweet pang.  I missed Tony, so much, yet I really don’t want to forget that place. 

Tony and I sometimes went there to work on script outlines.  There’s something about watching the waves, hearing the ocean, smelling the salt air, that stimulates my creativity and we truly came up with some of our best ideas there.  The dinner was lovely, the view spectacular, and the company filled my heart.  What more could I ask for?

My other dinners out were in an area of town that Tony and I never really spent time in.  That helped.  That fourth chair at the table was still empty when I had dinner with Cam and Amy; that part was hard.  Yet seeing their faces, hearing their voices, reminiscing about Tony and catching up?  That part was wonderful.  I’m glad I went.

I didn’t get to see all of my San Diego friends.  The week was a bit overwhelming, I didn’t sleep well and I found that I had to dial back my plans.  I know I will be going back soon, and I think the next time will be easier.

San Diego is a beautiful city.  It was more beautiful with Tony in it.  The world was more beautiful with him in it.  But what I realized this week is, it is still beautiful.  The world and the city, both of them.

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2 thoughts on “San Diego: There and Back Again

  1. I’m often surprised at the beauty around me and that life continues to go on. Life didn’t stop when my brother took his life, but mine did. At least it seemed to until I notice my surroundings that brings me hope. I have to remind myself to look; to really see the beauty around me. It’s been two years for me and I still struggle with his loss. The void he left in my heart and all those who love him. Thank you for sharing your struggles and triumphs with us. It helps me see again.

  2. it is a painful journey…the one through grief…after 3 plus years I have, finally, put away my wedding and engagement rings…I feel neither married or unmarried…I do not feel single…I acknowledge I’m a widow…I still have not been able to go back to the VA hospital where Don spent a great deal of time during the years before he died…I have found something to occupy my time…something I enjoy doing…I doodle…sounds somewhat infantile but it’s a simple way to be creative without having to give it a lot of thought…it’s better than mood altering drugs…other than not getting enough sleep, there appear to be no side effects…your father sounds a very sensitive man…you are making the journey

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